Abiding Joy + Christmas (can still) = Grief
So it’s been a little over two weeks since I’ve suffered the biggest loss of my life. And I’m not really here to talk about that. In fact, I cannot/will not talk about it….which is very strange for me…because if you know me, I talk about all my life events very openly. Like word vomit, all the time. TMI. Make people feel uncomfortable I share so much. But this wound is so fresh, like gaping open, that I have created boundaries to protect its meaning and value to me. I think for a couple of reasons. One- I’m in such a state of sadness that no matter what I say or anybody says to me, it won’t make it better. This has been so eye-opening to me, as a type A, control freak, problem/solution type person. I thought about all the times I’ve tried to “be there” for someone grieving and felt like my words are going to make things better. Boy, was I wrong. And Two- I can’t get past that no one on this whole earth has walked in my shoes and can remotely begin to relate to my trauma…except my husband.
Which brings me to a more positive place in my writing of this blog :) My husband has walked through this loss with such a level of strength and faith that it’s been able to carry our whole family thus far. He is the greatest gift the Lord has given me because I will never be alone….which loneliness is usually an all-consuming feeling during a grieving period. We’ve done a lot of life together…started dating at 19, married at 24, now 37. Next year, we will be together longer than apart. It’s called your “Half Life Anniversary” and supposedly it’s a thing because Google says so. I am pumped about that milestone because thinking about my future with him, even if we have to continue to face hardship, is something that excites me! And I’m clinging to all things that can, even in the tiniest amount, excite me right now.
But Christmas doesn’t just excite me a little, it is the most wonderful season of the year! Thankful for the timing of that. So I’m in this weird place of experiencing the deepest sadness I’ve ever experienced but finding joy in the traditions with family and friends that Christmas brings. My therapist and I had the greatest conversation about how the Lord’s joy is ABIDING. Like I have eternal, persistent, enduring joy in my DNA because I am made in the image of God, and His Spirit (and all His fruits) dwell inside me. Although I have sooooooo many doubts and questions and anger for my God right now, my firm foundation in who He is does not waver. I’m so thankful for my faith. I’m so thankful that my hope is not in anything of this world, but my hope is in the One who overcame the world and has a room prepared for me in a Heavenly place. A place where there will be no more suffering or sorrow.
But as I wait for that celestial kingdom, Jesus has given me the precious gift of community. A family that is also grieving, but puts their grief aside to show up for me in any capacity I need, and have been taking on my responsibilities that I am just too broken to complete right now. Friends that have showered (really like monsooned) us with love and encouragement through prayer, calls, cards, errand-running, food, texts, care packages, gifts,...and the list goes on and on. So I know through our family and friends’ acts of service that even when I don’t feel it, He’s working. I know that He is using them to be His light in the darkness, as I work towards healing, feeling, and dealing with this grief. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.